How to Win at Parenting! - It's 2.47am....

I usually find a fitting quote to put at the top of each post but right now I can't find or think of one. It's 2.48am now and I'm out of bed and on my laptop. This is totally out of character for me, I need my sleep. I really struggle to function without it. Sounds silly but if I don't get enough sleep I literally have the worst tummy ache ever! What has my tummy got to do with sleep? Literally nothing will shift this tummy ache other than sleep. It's so bazaar.

I'm meant to be up at 6.30am for the school run. Pop the kettle on, make a cup of tea and then get my sprogs up and out of bed.

My Sprogs! ;)

Tonight I got tucked up in bed at 10.30pm. I thought I'd get an early night and I'll feel good in the morning. I managed to fall asleep but then baby Joseph woke me up crying, I went in and nursed him, settled him back down and went back to bed. He woke up again, about an hour later, I went back in and tried to settle him but he wanted nursing AGAIN! I nursed him again and settled him back down and climbed back into bed. It was about 12.30am by then. 

Could I go back to sleep? Could I heck! No chance. So I'm lay in bed feeling shattered and completely drained because he nursed 2 times more than he normally would and I just can't sleep, I'm tossing and turning. 

It doesn't help that I struggle to switch my brain off, so it was working over time. All I could think about was how exhausted I was, how I literally haven't stopped this weekend and all I want to do is catch up on sleep and recharge my batteries. I feel like everyone just wants to drain every little last ounce of energy I have left. Sounds dramatic I know but I feel like people just won't be satisfied until I literally collapse out of exhaustion.  

All 3 of us were poorly in this picture.

So a few hours of tossing and turning and my mind working overtime and here I am sat in front of my laptop at now 2.57am! Way past my, boring grown up life, bedtime.

I know I sound pathetic, having a moan when there are people much, much, much worse off than me in the world. And I know I am so, so blessed for my children and my partner but I'm human, I'm not perfect, so I will complain and moan about stuff from time to time. Today, this morning, is one of them times.

I can't afford therapy so you lot have to listen instead haha.

I'm a damn good mother, I'm not perfect but I am a good Mum. I give it everything I have got. Now before someone gets upset, I am not saying I am better than anyone else, I am just saying I fall in the good mother group, as may a lot of you.

But being a good mother doesn't mean you always get it right.

My eldest. I couldn't cope without him.

It doesn't mean you never complain or that you never cry, or lose your temper, It doesn't mean you only feed your children 100% organic, vegan everything and never let them watch TV.

Being a good mother is giving it your best and never, ever turning your back on your children. You might moan a bit but you'd NEVER turn your back on your kids. That's what being a good parent is, mother or father, being there for your children.

If your children know that no matter what happens you will always be there for them, then you have WON parenting. Seriously. That's all I ever wished for growing up. 

Thumbs up from Katelyn.

So I swore I would never turn my back on my children, and so far I haven't and I promise you now, I never will. 

I might complain and I might want a few hours alone, just me so I can pull myself together and get my energy back but that isn't turning my back on my children.

I'm complaining right now but I still went into Joseph every time he woke. This morning I was cleaning him up after he threw up all over himself and was crying because he didn't know what was going on. I was shattered but I was still there. I was there last week when Katelyn was randomly crying her eyes out, she didn't even know why (I think she was tired). I had loads to do, it was past her bedtime but I sat there and I held her and I let her cry.  

Flipping heck I came back from the dead after having Joshua, surely that's proof enough that I'm not turning my back on my kids, I just need to moan and cry and feel sorry for myself for a little bit haha. 

I didn't have a point to this post originally, I just felt I needed to type. I thought it might help and to be honest it actually has and has some how turned into a post that has a point...

...if you are there for your children, support them in the best way YOU can and you never turn your back on them, then you are a damn good parent! Even if you do moan and complain from time to time. 

So if you feel like I do right now, or have done in the past, don't hate yourself for it. We are human. You are still there for your children, you are still plodding along, giving all you can. So in my eyes, that's a WIN!  

My smallest monkey agrees.

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No Spend Month Challenge - Week 1

Sometimes, we need to stop analyzing the past and start planning the future.

- Unknown

It's Sunday the 1st of January, day 1 of my challenge and I decided the best plan of action was to see what I actually have in my cupboards to eat! 

We ALL have the odd tin right at the back that we aren't too sure if it's been there months or years. I know I'm not the only one who doesn't know EVERYTHING in her cupboards, so I wrote a list.

I went through all the cupboards and the fridge and the freezers and wrote down every single, in date, item that I had which was edible. Turns out I had quite a bit. 

Side note - I was in the shops the other week and swore I needed OXO cubes so I bought some. After doing this inventory of my food items, it turned out I already had a packet! I could have saved myself £2! 

After my food inventory I wrote down a list of evening meals for the week. Feels like I'm off to a good start. 😎

Day 1 - I spent nothing. I didn't need to. We had cereal for breakfast and then had a huge lunch/dinner at my Nan's house (free food, yay!) so nothing else was needed. Nice start to the challenge.

Yes I know I didn't spell potato and possibly some other words, correct! 

Haha 

But this was my meal list and my inventory.

TIP - Write down an inventory of food in your home and plan your meals for at least the week.

Day 2 - I was doing so well but ended up spending £3.50 today. £2 on laundry softener and £1.50 on a bottle of cordial. Now in my defence these were classed as necessities in our house. I was catching up on all the washing in the house and couldn't do it without softener and the cordial, well I just can't handle drinking water on it's own, knocks me sick. I'm totally ashamed but I have a sweet tooth, a really strong sweet tooth. 

I was however pretty proud of myself for not buying any chocolate or sweets whilst in the shop so that's a bonus. 

I have also started writing down in a little notebook every penny I am spending. I might learn a thing or two about my spending habits.

TIP - Write down every single thing you are spending money on, it might reveal a few things about your spending habits! 

This has really shown me just where my money goes. I recommend it.

Day 3 - We haven't left the house, so haven't spent anything. Today is the last day before the children go back to school so it's been a day of cleaning, cooking and washing. What an exciting life I lead! We had Spanish Chicken today with rice for our tea. I loved it and it used all ingredients that I already had in from doing the food inventory. 

Spanish chicken! I loved it! Yummy!

Day 4 - I'm ashamed of myself. I caved and spent £1.50 on Gold Bars! Two packets! Huge huge fail on my part. Another big fail, I spent £3 in the corner shop on a bottle of milk and a loaf of bread, which doesn't sound that bad until I tell you that later on I went to Iceland and got another loaf of bread (for the freezer to use next week) for £1 (same brand and size) and I bought a bottle of milk for £1 instead of £1.50 like at the shop. I could have saved £1 if I had gone to Iceland in the first place. I did buy a few groceries there but all necessities, excluding the gold bars which I already confessed too.

Oh one bargain thing though. I managed to pick up two 3 litre bottles of the exact same cordial I bought the other day for £3 each. That should last the rest of the month! I got 725ml for £1.50 in the corner shop and just bought 3 litres for £3. Huge, huge price difference.

TIP - Buying in bulk can sometimes save you some pennies! But make sure you always check the price against the smaller items though. Looking at price per 100g or price per 100ml usually helps. This will be listed on the price label on the store shelf.   

Day 5 - Nothing to report, I was a good girl and didn't spend a penny!

I behaved and kept my purse closed!

Day 6 - I did a big shop today but before I left the house I wrote out a list of meals, for next week and I then wrote down my shopping list and I made sure I stuck to it. Everything I bought was classed as a necessity so I'm pretty proud of myself.

Day 7 - Last day of the week. We managed a date day, ish. We went to the cinema to see Passengers. The way we got around this was vouchers haha. We had cinema vouchers from last year and then I took popcorn and a can of pop (soda for Americans) in my handbag for the each of us so today was another no spend! 

We did have a treat of chocolate chip cookies though! Homemade from ingredients I already had in the cupboard! Bonus! 

TIP - Use them vouchers if you like. I know a lot of people get vouchers for Christmas so use them, they were paid for before Christmas so technically it's money that's already been spent. 

This was super yummy! Avocado mashed up and spread onto a slice of toast

with 2 poached eggs and roasted plum tomatoes. Only sharing in case you fancied trying it.  

Over all how has this week been? It's been okay. I've learnt a lot by writing down everything I've spent and I haven't wasted food because I stuck to a meal plan and the only fail I really had was purchasing my dreaded addiction of Gold Bars (they should seriously start a support group for this!). 

I think I will have a few meals for lunch for me and Joseph for next week too. The 2 other children have school dinners so me and baby Joseph can eat the leftovers from last week! After cooking a few meals I had enough left over for one more person so I popped it in the freeze!

TIP - Most leftovers you can actually freeze. Comes in handy for lunch or dinner on another day. Remember to wait for the food to cool before putting it in the freezer. 

Anyway I have probably bored you enough so I will finish up. I've coped this week but it's only early days, the novelty will possible wear off. But I have saved money this week, which was my original intention so that has been popped into a savings account I have just opened. Yay!

You've got to start somewhere, right? 😁

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No Spend Month Challenge.

Beware of little expenses. A small leak will sink a great ship.

- Benjamin Franklin

I recently read about this no spend challenge, I'd heard about it briefly in the past but didn't know much about it. In all honesty I thought they literally meant no spending and simply begging or bartering your way through the month. Obviously I was wrong! 😂 It wasn't that bad.

So the no spend challenge is no spending EXCEPT your regular bills and your basic groceries. That's all you are allowed to spend money on. 

ALLOWED EXAMPLES

• Rent
• Gas
• Electric
• Council Tax
• Phone bill
• Any regular bills...
• Basic food shop

NOT ALLOWED EXAMPLES

• Takeaways
• Drinking
• Cinema
• Clothes shopping
• Fizzy drinks
• New electronics 

Now I'm sure the rules slightly change for some people depending on how they think. I mentioned this challenge in a money saving group (that name should be used loosely) and many people were either completely in denial or just have different views on what a necessity is. Some believe a bottle of wine and a bar of chocolate would be a necessity, I personally see that as a luxury and to be totally honest you won't save much if you keep purchasing your booze over the month. Oh and others kept commenting that they live this way all the time but pictures say otherwise. (For the record I have no issue with people treating themselves and enjoying luxuries but it's an insult to a persons intelligence if somebody lies about it.)

So this no spend month isn't meant to be fun in the traditional sense, it's a challenge, it will have tough times. But it seems to be a good idea to give your savings that bit of a boost.

I'm guessing I'm not alone when I say I have zero savings. I'm ashamed to admit that at age 27, but it's the truth. I don't have any savings and for some reason this is now starting to concern me more than it used to. I mean what if something goes wrong and I am unable to pay my rent one month, I have literally nothing to fall back on and with 3 children I think it's about time I tried to change this. 

Now I know this is a short post but it was really just to give a brief idea of what the challenge is. I have started this challenge myself and I have started a post on it but I plan on finishing that over the course of this month and then you will get a decent idea of how I coped and what I managed to save.

Fancy joining me for this challenge? If so I'd love to hear how people get on and also any tips your might have to help. Either leave a comment, message me or post on my Facebook 'like' page. 

Giddy up horsey! Onwards to our savings boost!

Watch this space! 😎

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Sorry I Vanished.

Stop allowing other people to dilute or poison your day with their words or opinions. Stand strong in the truth of your beauty and journey through your day without attachment to the validation of others.

- Dr Steve Maraboli

Just a quick one. I was really enjoying writing this blog. I felt it was somewhere I could voice what I was thinking and still involve others by having it public. Unfortunately I have ended up with a few back stabbers and haters in my life and they tried to cause a lot of trouble for me. Thankfully they failed as the truth does always prevail, may take a while but it does. 

Now I say they failed, they did in the way they wanted to hurt me but they did succeed in hurting me in another way. It totally knocked me back and made me hide from the world to a certain extent. I felt I could no longer trust anyone, including some of my family, it's the main reason why I stopped posting. I worried someone could use something from this to try and get to me again. 

Anyway after these long months of not posting anything, I have had time to work on me. I've come to realise that I don't need people like that in my life (I've separated myself from a few) and the people that try to destroy me from the shadows will no doubt still be there, but the best thing I can do is carry on. If I carry on then they lose. Hopefully it will be like at school when your parents would tell you that the bullies will soon get bored. Fingers crossed. ;) 

So now we are in the new year I have decided to try and pick things up again and get back to writing random things on here. Some may be of some interest and some may not but as the quote at the top says I will stop allowing other people to dilute or poison my day. I will stand strong and write whatever it is that I want. 

Thanks for reading and hopefully I'll have a new post for you soon. 

Oh and Happy New Year!! 

Photography - Beginner

'Life is like a camera. Focus on what is important, capture the good times, develop from the negatives. If things don't work out take another shot.'

- Unknown

Hey everyone! Sorry I haven't been around lately. I managed to get my hands on a camera so have been playing with it. I love taking photos but only ever had my phone to take them with. I managed to get good photos with my phone but not good enough quality to print off and admire. :( 

In the past I was able to borrow one of my Dad's camera's if I ever went anywhere and enjoyed taking photos. One of my favourites was when I went to Chester and captured the below photo of an American man that was staying at the same hotel as us.

I totally fell in love with this shot. The man just seemed to have so much character and I felt the picture really spoke to me. Since then it has drove me potty not being able to attempt to get great shots again. 

But finally I've managed to get hold of a proper camera and now have the chance to play around. 

I have been so use to phone or little cameras that have no settings other than auto so now is my chance to play around with all the other settings you get on a real camera. So I'll share below some of the shots I've managed to get so far.

Hope you enjoy the photos and this is basically why you haven't heard from me in a while. Hopefully I'll improve as I go along. 

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You Have No Talents And No Passions - Have you ever said this to yourself?

'The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it.'

- Steve Jobs

When I won my national award back in 2012

If I had a pound for every time I have said to myself, 'you have no talents, you have no passions.' I would be a millionaire. Unfortunately I can be my worst enemy. I come up with ideas of things I want to do and then talk myself out of them. Time and time again I have thought, I'd like to try that but then told myself but you have no talents, you'll be rubbish, don't try. 

I don't think I'm alone in this way of thinking. I have spoken to so many people in my life and in general conversation, you can tell they too knock themselves down, they do not believe they have talents and they have no idea what their passions are and because of this they live in ground hog day. 

Day in, day out, it is the same thing. So many people are too scared to try something new. We live in fear of failure. But if we don't try how will we find our talents, how will we find our passions.

Now I am one of these people. I am 26 years old now and still do not know my passion.

Lately I have been feeling old, I know 26 isn't old but at the same time in them 26 years I still haven't discovered my passion. And in all honesty I haven't done much to try and find them either. 

I've realised lately though that I have been going about it all the wrong way. 

The things I have done and tried, most of them have been guided by money. I have thought to myself, 'right what jobs, passions or talents make money?' This is totally the wrong way to look at things.

Because of this train of thought I have completed accountancy qualifications, sign language qualifications, I have been on self employment courses, I have simply worked jobs that offered the highest wage. None of these things led me to passion or talents. Yes I completed these things and yes I made some money but it wasn't enough and I now believe the reason they didn't lead to success and money was simple because I didn't enjoy or feel passionate about any of them.

Think back to when you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

A police man? An artist? A writer? A dog trainer? A singer? Whatever it was that you wanted to be.

What happened? What changed your mind? With me it was money. Either I didn't have enough or I was told it didn't make much money so don't bother with it.

Yet we look around the world and we see successful artists, we see successful writers, singers, dog walkers.

Obviously I don't know all the information behind how they became successful, but I do know they are passionate about it and they are talented. 

But how did they find these talents? I bet they didn't find them by just sitting at home or going to the same job they hated day in day out and wait for the talent to be handed to them on a plate. I bet they went out and tried new things. I bet they failed many times, I bet they suffered a lot of criticism in the beginning but who's the loser now? Them living a life they love or us sat at home sulking and feeling sorry for ourselves because we keep telling each other we have no talents and we don't have a passion. 

When a few of us did a sponsored walk. Ended up walking almost 24 miles.

Now I'm writing this more for myself than I am anyone else. But if you are able to take something from this then fantastic. 

Looking back over my life there were a lot of things I thought I could never do. Even little things like using a lawn mower or fixing a toilet. Or even like this blog, I used to think I could never write but I see myself I have now done these things and each time I do them I get that little bit better. 

So now I've decided I have to stop putting myself into a box that I believe I cannot stretch out from. I need to realise that until I have tried, multiple times, then I will not know whether I can or can't do it. And all of you should think the same way. 

Many successful people have failed time and time again but they kept getting back up, learned from their mistakes and in the end they finally did it.

So now it's our turn, we need to stop saying we can't and start trying new things, until we try we will never know.

What new thing are you going to try this year? 

A quote from one of my favourite films, Wall e, 'I don't want to survive, I want to live!' 

Do you want to stay where you are right now or do you want to learn, grow and live!? 

Have a great day everyone and stay positive and motivated. And don't forget, try something new! ;)

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The Importance of Mother Daughter Time - Learning as I go along.

'In my daughters eyes, I am a hero. I am strong and wise. And I know no fear. But the truth is plain to see. She was sent to rescue me. I see who I want to be, in my daughter's eyes.'

- Song by Mart'na McBride

My baby girl is called Katelyn. She is now the middle child and turns 7 next month. It seems to be going so quickly. 

My pregnancy was pretty tough with her. I had severe morning sickness for over 6 months of the pregnancy, it was awful. Honestly I don't even know why they call it morning sickness, it was day and night! Thankfully the birth was easy enough, as far as giving birth goes anyway.

I had a very bad experience with my first child so when I went into labour with my daughter I stayed away from the hospital for as long as I possibly could. The time came and I knew she was ready to come into the world. I phoned the hospital, told them I was about to give birth. They asked if my waters had broken, I told them no. Their response was, get a bath and take some paracetamol. Thankfully because she was my 2nd I knew what was happening otherwise I'd of given birth in the bath!

We made our way to the hospital, everything was going smoothly but I did start pushing as soon as I was in the delivery room. At this point my waters still hadn't broken, the midwife said that they don't pop the waters at this hospital, guess today was the day they would break procedure. Katelyn was born in her amniotic sac, the midwife had to leave the room to get something to pop it haha.

Old folklore says that being born in the water sac is a sign of good luck. Only 1 in 80,000 babies are born in their amniotic sac. At the time I wouldn't have agreed it was a sign of good luck but 6 nearly 7 years on I'd say Katelyn has brought some good luck to us in the way of bringing happiness to our lives. 

I won't lie, she can be a little monster at times (another myth about being born in the water sac is the child will become a vampire haha seems fitting) but over all Katelyn has a huge heart, she is so loving and caring. She is a very emotional child, which could be seen as a bad thing, but with the world being so hard hearted these days I am glad she is in touch with her emotions. As like majority of children, Katelyn is very different to her siblings, but I think the uniqueness of each child just makes being a Mother to them all that more worth while. 

She is a leader, she is sporty, loves the outdoors, loves running around with her friends, she also loves art, anything crafty and she wants to be involved. At the moment theses traits are not seen as a good thing by her school, which does make me sad. She is expected to fit into a box that the school see as what a child should be, thankfully she keeps fighting this. 

I love my daughter very much, just as much as my other children but with her personality seeming to be an issue at the moment at school she needs me now more than ever.

She is polite, isn't disrespectful, she just struggles to sit quietly. She struggles to be a sheep simply because deep down she is a shepherd. 

I'm actually crying typing this, crazy isn't it how emotional you get as parent trying to protect your child from such a cold world.

Right, so now you know a bit of the background of my baby girl I'll get back onto 'Mother Daughter Time'.

Parent and child time is important for every single child in the world no matter the circumstances, but for today I'll just be talking about my Mother Daughter time and I hope you are all able to take something from this. 

With Katelyn going through the struggle of not fitting into the box society wants her to fit in at the moment, it is difficult for her and I have now realised the importance of one on one time more than ever. 

Your child needs to feel special. 

Your child needs to feel loved.

Your child needs to know you will make time for them.

Your child needs to know you think they are awesome.

Your child needs to know that you have their back.

It is our job as parents or guardians to tick all these boxes and make our children feel so loved that nothing and no one can stop them from being who they really are. 

Quick note - Just to be clear always remember you can be your child's friend but remember that first and foremost you are the parent and do need to set boundaries. As you will know your child better than anyone else, you will know what boundaries to set that will keep them safe but also not stop them from growing as a person. 

The above things I listed are obviously things we need to be doing everyday but one on one time is needed now and then just to have a catch up and make your child feel that extra bit special. 

Katelyn and I had some Mother Daughter time last Thursday night and Friday day. I didn't go and spend a fortune on her by spoiling her with new toys or clothes, yes that's nice but not always needed. Instead we had a girly night.

My eldest son had gone to his Grandad's for the night and my youngest was in bed so me and Katelyn had face masks, a bit of junk food and painted our nails. She loved the attention and boy did it help her open up. I couldn't shut her up haha she was telling me way more than usual. 

You know what kids are like. You ask them what they did at school and get the same response most of the time, 'I don't remember' or 'nothing.' 

The next day we were rebels and had McDonalds and did a little shopping. Just this little bit of one on one time made so much difference. She was a super star! She seemed happier, was listening better and opening up more. Over all it was a success.

I try to have one and one time with each child but unfortunately it isn't as often as I would like. After seeing the change it brought in Katelyn this time round, I will definitely be making sure I book in the time with each child to do something just with them.

I hope you were able to take something away from this post. Do you already make sure you have one on one time with your child? Do you think maybe you should make more of an effort to fit it in? Do you have any ideas on what to do? Or maybe experiences you'd like to share? I'd love to hear. Leave a comment or direct message. 

Love your babies and enjoy parenthood! :) 

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Low Self Esteem - Do you suffer from it? You're not alone.

'Most fears of rejection rest on the desire for approval from other people. Don't base your self-esteem on their opinions.'

-Harvey Mackay

I think most of us know how it works on Youtube. You start watching a video of cats doing funny things and some how end up on a video showing you how to make your own boat out of tooth picks! My point is Youtube is random, it suggests really unrelated posts and you end up watching videos about anything and everything. Well this is what happened to me tonight.

If I'm being totally honest I started by watching a video on how to get up early in the morning. Yes that sounds like a stupid thing to be watching but now the kids are back at school and I'm forced into setting my alarm for stupid o clock in the morning, I thought surely someone has some trick on getting up early without feeling like crap. Anyway I'm going off point. (But if you are interested I didn't find one haha so feel free to link a good one in the comments.)

So after watching this I some how ended up watching a video of signs of low self esteem. 

I think for the majority of my life I was kind of aware I had low self esteem but it wasn't something I really thought about and in all honesty I tried to just push it to the back of my mind. I thought with age I'll get to the point where I don't care any more. 

But today I realised, how many opportunities will I miss waiting for this time to come? 

How many days will I be sad about it and therefore miss out on happy moments?

How many times will I beat myself up over something about myself because someone has made a comment? 

How many years will go by where I think I am worthless and what people say is true?  

I'm 26 years old now, 27 this year. Life is going by very quickly! I look back on my life so far and although I remember many times I've been happy and had great things come my way, like my children and my fiancé. I also think about the many opportunities I have missed because I have low self esteem. And do I want the next 26 years of my life to be the same? Or do I want the next 26 years to have even more happiness in than it has already had. 

Right lets get on to the signs of low self esteem that I found in this video I fell on. 

Indecisiveness. This was the first one. Are you the type of person who sits on the fence? Or really struggles to make a choice because you are worried about who you will upset or what conflict may become of the choice you make? Will someone not like me because my choice wasn't what they wanted?

Negative Self Talk. Do you come up with some great ideas but then talk yourself out of them? Maybe a business plan, but then talk yourself out of it by listing a million things that could go wrong instead of what could go right? Maybe you try on a dress that you love but then start telling yourself people might comment on it not suiting you? Or that your bum looks big? 

Fear of rejection. Are you constantly worried about being rejected? Maybe you want to make new friends but worry they'll reject you because you think you are not worthy or good enough. Or you want to start that business but you are in fear of people not wanting you or your product?

Materialistic. This video said being materialistic is a sign of low self esteem. At first I didn't get this but then I thought about it and realised how many people will buy the latest fashion trend to fit in, be accepted and think this product will make them likeable. 

Need to express accomplishments. This one I didn't even think about either. I have come across a few people in my life that have gone on and on and on about their accomplishments as if that makes them who they are. Now I'm not saying you shouldn't talk about your achievements, you should be proud of them and should talk about them, but I think the guy in the video meant the people who constantly repeat them or it's the only thing they talk about. As if it the only thing that gives them worth.

Values others opinions more than your own. This was the last one he mentioned in the video and I think this one is the most obvious sign of low self esteem. I think in some, not all cases, when selfies are posted, for example, people liking the photo or commenting nice things make people with low self esteem think for a moment, maybe I'm not so bad. I am totally guilty of valuing other peoples opinions over my own, when in reality people don't always have the right opinion for you and your life.

Anyway I know a lot of people would never admit outside of their own mind that they have low self esteem but just reading the comments on the Youtube video I watched, really showed me that I, we, are not alone. Many, many, many people out there suffer with low self esteem. Some of us may hide it better than others but it appears that it is very common.

I'm no expert obviously. I haven't done a huge study or got into the minds of 100's of people with low self esteem so I can't say everyone who suffers it experiences the same things as listed above. But going from my own personal experiences I tick pretty much every box.

And I guess I'm writing this post to admit it to myself and to also let others know that we are in the same boat and you are not alone. 

I probably couldn't pin point where the low self esteem started in my life, and over time it just became a list of life experiences that kind of just hammered a nail in the coffin so to say. But through my childhood I had many negative experiences mainly from adults. I was never bullied in Primary school but my low self esteem did start about primary school age.

All the negativity came from adults. Without going into too much detail. My mother rejected me, my step mother (now ex) would treat me like I was dirt and didn't fit in and my step aunty would constantly tell me I was ugly and that I would get fat. My mother would always tell me I needed to marry a rich man as if I would have no success on my own.

I remember one time I was writing a story for English class and my ex step mother read it, told me it was rubbish and that I couldn't write and she re did it. That stuck with me for years! 

High school came and I was bullied once but that didn't have much of an effect on me, it was a comment I got from a boy in science that destroyed me the most, he said I looked like a man. Which I know seems silly but I think people with low self esteem, things effect them more than they would other people. 

I wanted validation off someone, anyone that I wasn't completely worthless. I needed someone to show me in some way I wasn't. If I'm being truly honest with myself I think that's why I ended up pregnant with my eldest son. Which I know sounds insane and for the record he was a surprise but I felt I needed to be shown that someone wanted me and even though I was talentless, or stupid, or ugly. Someone, found me attractive so I must have a little bit of worth right? 

For the record, I love my eldest child and he pretty much saved me but he did come along because of my naivety.  

I think my self esteem was probably at it's lowest point by then. From then until now my esteem has been very low but it's not completely gone. Now I'm not suggesting in the slightest having children will fix it but for me personally it gave me a little bit of worth. I have my babies relying on me.

My adult life so far has pretty much had similar experiences and I've now realised my main problem is letting others opinions effect my view of myself. If I could stop caring what other's think or say then I would have no problem at all. But I guess that is easier said than done. 

I remember buying some new shoes that I totally loved and I walked outside with them on and someone comments on them being horrible. I was so upset and it really knocked my confidence. This wasn't actually too long ago. Not long after this comment, maybe a few weeks, someone else walked by in the same shoes and the same person who insulted them when I wore them, commented to this person how nice they were! Can you believe it?! 

My whole life I have, and still do, but not as much as I used to, listened to everyone's nasty comments, I took them as truth but this one example above just proved that the issue wasn't with me or in this case my shoes. The problem was with them!!

Now I hope this helps someone who is reading this, but from this experience I realised that it isn't about you, it is about the person putting you down or making you feel worthless. If we look into our low self esteem it all leads back to someone putting us down and continued from there. And what we haven't realised is maybe they aren't putting us down because they are right, maybe they are putting us down to make themselves feel of some worth?

Remember when your parents would tell you bullies were bullies because they had their own issues and it was a way of making them feel better about themselves? Well let me tell you, in most cases it is true and it continues into adult life. Bullies do not go away but what we need to do is repeatedly tell ourselves, 'it's not me, it's them.' We need to continue to remind our selves that we are worth something, we need to look at the positives in our lives, the people who do love us and try to focus on the good that they must see in us, or the good that got us the things that are great in our lives today.

If you have got this far reading this article I'm guessing you are thinking it is easier said than done and you are right. I myself still suffer but I am making tiny, tiny steps of progress. And come on that's better than nothing?! Surely it's worth a try. 

And I'm also guessing it will be mostly teens or adults who read this article. If you suffer with low self esteem or not at least take this from my post.....

The damage starts at a young age, we are not born feeling like this, when we are really little we believe we are the best at everything and can do everything. All until that person comes along and knocks us down. Don't be that someone who knocks others down. Be the person who lifts others up.

If we ourselves can start thinking and speaking more positively about others, we might just stop someone feeling completely worthless about themselves and hopefully in turn about ourselves. 

Don't be that nail in the coffin. 

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