'Most fears of rejection rest on the desire for approval from other people. Don't base your self-esteem on their opinions.'
I think most of us know how it works on Youtube. You start watching a video of cats doing funny things and some how end up on a video showing you how to make your own boat out of tooth picks! My point is Youtube is random, it suggests really unrelated posts and you end up watching videos about anything and everything. Well this is what happened to me tonight.
If I'm being totally honest I started by watching a video on how to get up early in the morning. Yes that sounds like a stupid thing to be watching but now the kids are back at school and I'm forced into setting my alarm for stupid o clock in the morning, I thought surely someone has some trick on getting up early without feeling like crap. Anyway I'm going off point. (But if you are interested I didn't find one haha so feel free to link a good one in the comments.)
So after watching this I some how ended up watching a video of signs of low self esteem.
I think for the majority of my life I was kind of aware I had low self esteem but it wasn't something I really thought about and in all honesty I tried to just push it to the back of my mind. I thought with age I'll get to the point where I don't care any more.
But today I realised, how many opportunities will I miss waiting for this time to come?
How many days will I be sad about it and therefore miss out on happy moments?
How many times will I beat myself up over something about myself because someone has made a comment?
How many years will go by where I think I am worthless and what people say is true?
I'm 26 years old now, 27 this year. Life is going by very quickly! I look back on my life so far and although I remember many times I've been happy and had great things come my way, like my children and my fiancé. I also think about the many opportunities I have missed because I have low self esteem. And do I want the next 26 years of my life to be the same? Or do I want the next 26 years to have even more happiness in than it has already had.
Right lets get on to the signs of low self esteem that I found in this video I fell on.
Indecisiveness. This was the first one. Are you the type of person who sits on the fence? Or really struggles to make a choice because you are worried about who you will upset or what conflict may become of the choice you make? Will someone not like me because my choice wasn't what they wanted?
Negative Self Talk. Do you come up with some great ideas but then talk yourself out of them? Maybe a business plan, but then talk yourself out of it by listing a million things that could go wrong instead of what could go right? Maybe you try on a dress that you love but then start telling yourself people might comment on it not suiting you? Or that your bum looks big?
Fear of rejection. Are you constantly worried about being rejected? Maybe you want to make new friends but worry they'll reject you because you think you are not worthy or good enough. Or you want to start that business but you are in fear of people not wanting you or your product?
Materialistic. This video said being materialistic is a sign of low self esteem. At first I didn't get this but then I thought about it and realised how many people will buy the latest fashion trend to fit in, be accepted and think this product will make them likeable.
Need to express accomplishments. This one I didn't even think about either. I have come across a few people in my life that have gone on and on and on about their accomplishments as if that makes them who they are. Now I'm not saying you shouldn't talk about your achievements, you should be proud of them and should talk about them, but I think the guy in the video meant the people who constantly repeat them or it's the only thing they talk about. As if it the only thing that gives them worth.
Values others opinions more than your own. This was the last one he mentioned in the video and I think this one is the most obvious sign of low self esteem. I think in some, not all cases, when selfies are posted, for example, people liking the photo or commenting nice things make people with low self esteem think for a moment, maybe I'm not so bad. I am totally guilty of valuing other peoples opinions over my own, when in reality people don't always have the right opinion for you and your life.
Anyway I know a lot of people would never admit outside of their own mind that they have low self esteem but just reading the comments on the Youtube video I watched, really showed me that I, we, are not alone. Many, many, many people out there suffer with low self esteem. Some of us may hide it better than others but it appears that it is very common.
I'm no expert obviously. I haven't done a huge study or got into the minds of 100's of people with low self esteem so I can't say everyone who suffers it experiences the same things as listed above. But going from my own personal experiences I tick pretty much every box.
And I guess I'm writing this post to admit it to myself and to also let others know that we are in the same boat and you are not alone.
I probably couldn't pin point where the low self esteem started in my life, and over time it just became a list of life experiences that kind of just hammered a nail in the coffin so to say. But through my childhood I had many negative experiences mainly from adults. I was never bullied in Primary school but my low self esteem did start about primary school age.
All the negativity came from adults. Without going into too much detail. My mother rejected me, my step mother (now ex) would treat me like I was dirt and didn't fit in and my step aunty would constantly tell me I was ugly and that I would get fat. My mother would always tell me I needed to marry a rich man as if I would have no success on my own.
I remember one time I was writing a story for English class and my ex step mother read it, told me it was rubbish and that I couldn't write and she re did it. That stuck with me for years!
High school came and I was bullied once but that didn't have much of an effect on me, it was a comment I got from a boy in science that destroyed me the most, he said I looked like a man. Which I know seems silly but I think people with low self esteem, things effect them more than they would other people.
I wanted validation off someone, anyone that I wasn't completely worthless. I needed someone to show me in some way I wasn't. If I'm being truly honest with myself I think that's why I ended up pregnant with my eldest son. Which I know sounds insane and for the record he was a surprise but I felt I needed to be shown that someone wanted me and even though I was talentless, or stupid, or ugly. Someone, found me attractive so I must have a little bit of worth right?
For the record, I love my eldest child and he pretty much saved me but he did come along because of my naivety.
I think my self esteem was probably at it's lowest point by then. From then until now my esteem has been very low but it's not completely gone. Now I'm not suggesting in the slightest having children will fix it but for me personally it gave me a little bit of worth. I have my babies relying on me.
My adult life so far has pretty much had similar experiences and I've now realised my main problem is letting others opinions effect my view of myself. If I could stop caring what other's think or say then I would have no problem at all. But I guess that is easier said than done.
I remember buying some new shoes that I totally loved and I walked outside with them on and someone comments on them being horrible. I was so upset and it really knocked my confidence. This wasn't actually too long ago. Not long after this comment, maybe a few weeks, someone else walked by in the same shoes and the same person who insulted them when I wore them, commented to this person how nice they were! Can you believe it?!
My whole life I have, and still do, but not as much as I used to, listened to everyone's nasty comments, I took them as truth but this one example above just proved that the issue wasn't with me or in this case my shoes. The problem was with them!!
Now I hope this helps someone who is reading this, but from this experience I realised that it isn't about you, it is about the person putting you down or making you feel worthless. If we look into our low self esteem it all leads back to someone putting us down and continued from there. And what we haven't realised is maybe they aren't putting us down because they are right, maybe they are putting us down to make themselves feel of some worth?
Remember when your parents would tell you bullies were bullies because they had their own issues and it was a way of making them feel better about themselves? Well let me tell you, in most cases it is true and it continues into adult life. Bullies do not go away but what we need to do is repeatedly tell ourselves, 'it's not me, it's them.' We need to continue to remind our selves that we are worth something, we need to look at the positives in our lives, the people who do love us and try to focus on the good that they must see in us, or the good that got us the things that are great in our lives today.
If you have got this far reading this article I'm guessing you are thinking it is easier said than done and you are right. I myself still suffer but I am making tiny, tiny steps of progress. And come on that's better than nothing?! Surely it's worth a try.
And I'm also guessing it will be mostly teens or adults who read this article. If you suffer with low self esteem or not at least take this from my post.....
The damage starts at a young age, we are not born feeling like this, when we are really little we believe we are the best at everything and can do everything. All until that person comes along and knocks us down. Don't be that someone who knocks others down. Be the person who lifts others up.
If we ourselves can start thinking and speaking more positively about others, we might just stop someone feeling completely worthless about themselves and hopefully in turn about ourselves.
Don't be that nail in the coffin.
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