'You can always tell who the strong women are. They are the ones you see building one another up, instead of tearing each other down.'
- Unknown
To start with I would like to apologize for any breastfeeding woman who has ever been nothing but supportive to you.
I am a breastfeeding mother, I breastfed all 3 of my children. I was only 16 when I had my first and still breastfed. I breastfed because I was told the benefits breast milk will provide for my newborn baby and thankfully I had a supportive, not bullying, adviser.
I believed majority of breastfeeding Mothers were like me. Oh how wrong I was!
I recently joined a breastfeeding group on FB, it has over 12,000 members. I thought, 'this is fantastic, all these mothers providing the best for their children.'
Not to offend but it is fact that breast milk is best for your baby and formula will never be able to compete with that. It is fact that breast milk can do what formula can't. It is able to adapt to your baby's needs. If your baby is poorly and you feed directly from the breast, then your milk will change to give baby what it needs to get through the illness. It contains antibodies, hormones, anti-viruses, anti-allergies, anti-parasites, growth factors and enzymes. All these things are not found in formula milk.
Formula milk does have some not so great things in it and some of the ingredients are by products of things used in cleaning products. Some ingredients are just waste products from some pretty nasty things.
But today I am not writing about the dangers of formula or the benefits of breast milk, that is not why I am writing this post.
I am writing this post to say sorry. Sorry for some of the nasty women you may come across if you are a formula feeding mother.
I have 3 children, my eldest being 10 years old so I could say by now I know a hell of a lot about breast feeding and breast milk.
Throughout my breastfeeding journey I have only ever had 1, ONE, woman say anything nasty to me about breastfeeding. I was feeding my eldest in public about 9 years ago and had a woman approach me and tell me to stop feeding as her husband was looking. My response wasn't very nice so I am no saint. I replied with, 'well maybe if you showed your breasts to your husband more often he wouldn't need to look at a nursing mother.' She soon shut up and walked away.
I have fed many times in public and I have spoken about my breastfeeding to many different people and it was only this one women who said something mean.
Majority of mothers I know feed or fed their child formula milk, I only know a few people directly who breastfed. But none of these formula mothers ever said anything mean to me. They were nice and supportive.
Now don't get me wrong I would love for all mothers to breastfeed. The benefits definitely prove it is the best option for your child and only 2% of women worldwide physically cannot breastfeed so compared to the 98% who can that's a pretty small number. Unfortunately some mothers are unable to breastfeed due to things out of their control. Such as a pre term baby who is too small to be able to latch onto the breast. Some baby's suffer with tongue or lip tie and this if unnoticed can cause issues for mothers trying to feed. They are just some examples.
I keep swaying away from my original point, sorry.
Back to formula Mothers vs breastfeeding Mothers.
My point, formula mothers have never (excluding the one) been anything but nice and supportive. As I didn't know many breastfeeding mothers at the time I just guess all breastfeeding mother's were kind and supportive also. I was so wrong.
Back to joining the FB group of over 12,000 breastfeeding mothers. Now not ALL are mean, some are nice, but after today it's pretty clear majority can be very nasty.
I like to try and encourage breastfeeding by telling the facts about the benefits to baby but I also like to mention the benefits to Mum to try and make the option more appealing.
I already had my own list of benefits for Mum, such as lowers your risk to different cancers, helps your uterus to contract sooner so you get your pre baby tummy back a little faster. How much money can be saved from breastfeeding as formula can be very expensive and if you are flat chested like me, while breastfeeding you actually get a bust! It's awesome.
I decided to ask the group what reasons, other than breast is best, helped them to decide on breastfeeding as their milk choice for baby?
A few were a bit like me and mentioned things like cost and not having to mess about making formula and sterilizing bottles. But majority were simply replying with comments such as;
I disagree completely. I think people need to make educated choices for their children and the hidden dangers of formula are completely unacceptable. Mums genuinely believe that they are making an equal choice but they are being deceived. To say that the risks to mum and baby must be hidden in favour of talking about bigger breasts is completely and utterly bonkers.
Because that's how babies are fed and I sure as hell wasn't giving her artificial milk and exposing her to those risks.
Because human babies are born to drink human milk and giving them anything else is irrational.
Because breast is the only option, how could a mother think they are doing a good job when they are poisoning their baby with formula!!!
Also 'breast isn't best'... It's normal, it's a babies baseline!!
Above are just a couple of examples, some of the tamer ones, the post currently has almost a 100 responses and still going.
Now is it just me or are these comments a little pushy? Belittling? Make you feel you are a bad mother if you do not breast feed? I think they are.
I would love for everyone to breastfeed and yes I do think a lot of mother's don't even research it and some do choose formula for selfish, lazy reasons but I don't believe most do.
I think breastfeeding should be promoted more, I think parents need to be educated on the benefits of breastfeeding and the risks of formula but I do NOT think they should be bullied, belittled, made to feel like a failure or not good enough.
So again as a breastfeeding mother I am sorry if you have ever been bullied or made to feel awful by any of us.
As women we should be supporting each other, not attacking. I did not post anything about International Women's Day yesterday as I am forever coming across women bullying other women. Sometimes I am ashamed to be associated with them.
Good luck on your baby journey and if you are interested in a little more info on breastfeeding I have another post about it so go check it out. :D
I never liked the term "Triggering" but I have to concede that it happens and is possibly an ineloquent way to describe a common response. I have been surprised by some of the things that can "Trigger" putting me into a dark place and perhaps you receive responses based on that very phenomenon. I wouldn't take it personally x
ReplyDeleteP.S. You need to update your profile =)
DeleteHuh, so this line isn't you belittling other mothers? "I would love for everyone to breastfeed and yes I do think a lot of mother's don't even research it and some do choose formula for selfish, lazy reasons but I don't believe most do."
ReplyDeleteJust like it was none of the woman's business who approached you while you were breastfeeding, it's none of your business why anyone chooses to use formula. And you don't get to decide if her reasons are selfish, ill informed, or lazy. It's interesting that you would say lazy when you also use the argument that breastfeeding is easier because you don't have to prepare and sterilize bottles. Which is it?
Please tell me, what exactly are the dangers of formula in developed countries with suitable drinking water? Lets see your research in this area.
Hi Monicas Mom Musings. You are right I may have come across belittling in that sentence and I am aware it is no excuse but my temper was very high at the time of writing this post. I should have been more careful with my words. I do personally know quite a few women that have no interest in researching the ingredients in formula milk, I have tried to show them things and discuss them. Also I have had quite a few times experienced or over heard Mothers speaking and saying 'Oh I formula feed, so they can go to their Nan's on the weekend. I've got to have my me time.' And to be honest this angered me as much as breastfeeding Mum's being so aggressive when it comes to breastfeeding instead of giving facts about the benefits for baby and also including the fun things, such as not having to make bottles and sit up in the night and saving money. My daughter (my 2nd) unfortunately only managed 3 months breastfeeding and it broke my heart that I had to put her on formula milk, so I have been there. Formula milk does have some undesirable ingredients in but I am fully aware that if breastfeeding is not a possibility for whatever reasons that parents other options are limited and formula is the thing you turn to next. I will get to work on a post on formula and break down the list of ingredients (like I did in my B12 post) as soon as I have finished I will reply to your comment again and let you check it out. Thank you for commenting and I am sorry I was unable to get my intended message across. Will try better next time. :) Enjoy the rest of your day.
DeleteYou start out with this quote: "'You can always tell who the strong women are. They are the ones you see building one another up, instead of tearing each other down.'" This piece is not building anyone up and it's tearing other women down and you're still doing it in your comments.
DeleteYou don't seem to realize that just because you have heard women say they formula feed so the baby can go to their family member on the weekend to give me my "me" time is none of your business or up for your judgement. Or women aren't interested in hearing what you have to say about the ingredients of a product which was good enough for one of your children making them uneducated so that means you get to be angry and judge them.
Your view and apology is very perplexing to me. No one owes you anything and formula is not akin to child abuse so I don't understand why what you have heard women say matters to you so much. Unless they are also force feeding your child formula.
Ever hear the saying, not my circus, not my monkeys? This applies here. People make choices and they may justify those choices to the public with many different things that YOU yourself do not understand, but it also could go so much deeper than what you hear them say. I have four children and all are well past the breastfeeding stage of life. One of them was exclusively formula fed, two had a combo of both, and one exclusively breastfed. If someone asked me why I used formula with one of my children I would tell them because I was going back to work shortly after giving birth and my SIL was going to be watching my daughter and she had her own newborn baby who was on formula. That was part of my reasoning for formula feeding, there were plenty of reasons my husband and I discussed at length and never once looked at the ingredients list on a can of formula to make that choice. What if the woman who judged you for breastfeeding in public questions your ability as a mother and told you that your reason for breastfeeding so you didn't have to prepare and sterilize bottles was just lazy parenting? It doesn't feel so good when the shoe is on the other foot, does it?
It doesn't matter if you're angry. The beauty of writing and blogging is we get time to think about what we say and how we say it. You very much come off as the very person you're trying to apologize for on here and yet now we hear that you have used the evil formula yourself.
My suggestion to you, one blogger to another, take this piece down and rethink it. Organize your thoughts better and really try to put yourself in another woman's shoes. You haven't done this here at all. If this subject makes you angry, then you obviously aren't ready to apologize for your own actions and how you treat other women who make choices for their family which are beyond your comprehension. And you may think, well, I was 16 when I had my first so there's no excuse to not breastfeed, but there are a whole host of different reasons women feed their babies how they feed their babies and none of them are for you to judge. The goal is growing, happy, thriving children. Formula or breast isn't going to amount to a hill of beans. Trust me, college applications are not asking perspective students if they were breastfed or formula fed as a baby.
You asked in your original comment for my research in that area and are now saying you didn't even look at the ingredients on your child's formula milk? You obviously have no interest in learning about formula milk. My posts are 1st for me and 2nd for anyone who chooses to read them. I enjoy writing them and I will keep them as they are so that I am one day able to look back and see for myself how I have changed, developed and learned. I am not one for taking back things I have said. It's out there now, why be deceitful and go back on it.
DeleteYes I did have to give my 2nd child the 'evil' formula and as I stated I was heartbroken. Formula obviously isn't a direct poison and does sustain the life of a baby but it doesn't mean it's beneficial for them. That's why it upset me and also since she was a baby I have learnt so much more about it.
Although you have made it very clear you have no interest in reading about the dangers of formula milk, I'd like to say thank you for giving me the topic to write about. I will no doubt learn something new.
And thank you for your advice of removing this post and rewriting it but I will not be taking it down. I love to read articles that have passion in them, even if they are something that angers me or upsets me. I still find it fascinating that a person has shown passion rather than the same old 'careful what you say' posts.
The mothers I referred to about the Nan's at weekend for 'me time' were not mothers I just randomly came across, I know these women and know there lifestyle choices I was just trying to be brief as to not go into too much depth that they may read this and be upset, yes that is wrong of me I know but just to make it clear, I knew the full story.
Last but not least, I am human, just as everyone else in the world is and I am far from perfect, I try my best to not to bring others down but sometimes I may do it without realising.
You will never please everyone (as you are my example of that) but thank you for your comments.
How old are you?? My 7 yr old writes better than you. All the breastmilk in the world won't help your kids since IQ is partly genetic. You are so misinformed about formula. There is nothing dangerous about formula and the ingredients from the back of the cans are just the scientific and chemical names for the nutrients it contains. Latest research shows that benefits of breastfeeding are overstated and that formula fed babies thrive just as well.
DeleteOh honey, you are so clueless as to what's going on here. Your post was meant to be some sort of apology to formula feeding mothers for your fellow breatfeeding mother's miscues in educating. You start out saying we should life each other up, but your entire piece is you tearing apart formula feeding mothers and the reasons they tell you they chose formula. And knowing them personally or not does not make your judgement of them any better. If anything it makes it worse.
ReplyDeleteYou're right, I don't care to hear about the ingredients in formula. My oldest child (exclusively formula fed) is almost 17 years old. My point in sharing with you our public reason for feeding her with formula was because that was only one part of our choice. My husband and I discussed our choices with our trusted physicians and with our own knowledge and by examining our lives and decided that was what was best. We didn't need to pick apart each ingredient in formula to determine if it was safe. Because many years of scientific evidence proved to us that it was safe. And here we are almost 17 years later with a loving, headstrong, beautifully brilliant and extremely healthy teenager who's near the top of her class and the fact that she was formula fed is not holding her back from anything.
My youngest is 5 years old. She was exclusively breastfed for 14 months when she self weaned. I'm not having anymore children and the 4 I have are not going to be going back to formula or breastmilk ever, so no, I really don't care about the ingredients. Didn't care about it back then, and don't care about it now. And I'm willing to bet these women you know personally who don't want to hear what you have to say on the matter probably have very good reason for feeling that way. Because what you might not know is that they have done their own research. Maybe it was through science and perhaps it was just based on the fact that they were formula fed and turned out okay, but why would it matter to you how they feed their baby? Do you also criticize mothers who stop at McDonald's to grab dinner after working over 8 hours, running the kids to dance and baseball practice, and then having to come home for homework, baths, and bed? Do you criticize mothers who use processed foods, GMOs, meat, dairy, or whatever else you're against feeding children? Because it's all NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Not your kids, not your problem.
You do what you want, this is your blog. You said you wrote this and you were angry. And apparently you were angry at formula feeding mothers as you denigrate them throughout this post. You can lift yourself up on a pedestal all you want because you've been there or whatever, but this is doing nothing at all for the breast vs formula debate other than firmly planting you on the same side of the debate of the very same people you are saying should be doing better. You want to learn and you want to grow? Well, start with understanding that you are not winning anyone over by calling them lazy and uneducated. If you're going to write an apology, then you can't put down the people who you think were wronged in your apology. That comes off as insincere.
However, if your goal here was to say I'm better than those lazy uneducated formula feeding mothers then job well done, and carry on. You will learn nothing and change nothing. Because clearly you have all of the answers and apparently know all things parenting in your 10 years and 3 kids on the job. No one can help you see what you don't know because you know it all.